Are you just after whatever you can get?
Or are you a bit more measured and considered in your approach to it?
Everyone has an opinion on what is deemed to be ok, or not ok, but the one thing that we all have in common and can probably agree on — is that sex is considered to be good. It’s in our nature to want to do it. In fact, we are one of the only creatures on earth that does it for pleasure as well as a means to reproduce. So it’s safe to say that generally, people enjoy it. It’s considered to be pretty good fun.
It’s also an (almost) guilt free mix of exercise, feelings, passion and euphoria (if you’re doing it right).
But my god, it’s a complicated business isn’t it?
When you meet someone new and get to the point of no return, it seems that often there can be so much expectation on the act itself, that we spend more time worrying about it than actually enjoying it.
Let me give some examples:
• Will they still want me when I’m out of all this flattering, sexy, supportive, seductive underwear and see the real goods?
• Did I brush my teeth? What if my, or their breath smells? I must remember not to order anything with garlic. Oh I hope they don’t want to do it in the morning, I hate bed breath.
• Are my boobs firm/big enough? Is my penis too small? Have I shaved? Oh god, have I shaved too much?
• Have I slept with too many people? Or too few? What if they think I’m frigid or slutty? How many should I tell them? Should I scale up or down?
• Am I overthinking everything? Or not thinking about it enough and being too breezy and casual about it?
• What if it’s all over too quickly? What if I don’t make them orgasm? What if they’re more adventurous than me? Oh god, what if they want anal?
…and so on and so forth.
It’s a minefield.
It’s actually kind of funny how so many different view points on what is ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ can exist about one single act. Selling it is allegedly the oldest profession in the world, yet is illegal in most countries. Those who trade in it are generally frowned upon, but at the same time there remains a demand for it. Some people refuse to do it until they’re married and will wait for just one person. Other people will go to organised parties where they experiment with several different people in just one evening. Some people want to be dominated, tied up and owned, some just need to feel loved, desired and cared for. Some love to have it outdoors. Some want it up the bum. Some people think one night stands are completely normal and are just a way of life, others absolutely hate the idea.
I have to confess I’m a bit of sentimental old bastard when it comes to this stuff because I’ve never had a one night stand. Although even the term ‘one night stand’ is open to debate. In my mind a one night stand is where you meet someone, sleep with them that same day or night and then never see or speak to them again. Which I’ve genuinely never done.
See I have a habit of getting emotionally attached. To me, when someone sees you naked and particularly when they’ve shared that kind of an intimate moment with you, they’ve seen you at your most vulnerable. They’ve seen a side of you that only a few people (in the grand scheme of things) ever will. You’re exposed. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. All the above questions start racing through your mind and you start second guessing everything. It’s terrifying.
I’ve bottled it on many occasions, got ‘stage fright’ and not gone through with it. I can think of at least 5 occasions where I’ve left girls ‘jilted’ at the last moment because my own nervousness and self awareness got in the way. So if I do go ‘all the way’ with a girl, it’s kind of a big deal (to me at least). As such, I end up getting attached. I don’t mean weird attached, like I want to marry them immediately, I just mean I hate the idea of sharing all that with someone and then never seeing them again.
Don’t get me wrong, I live in the real world. I’m well aware that you can’t really maintain a normal, regular friendship after something like that. It’s very rare that you can go back to just going for a drink or dinner and just hanging out. Especially if it was a longer term thing. I guess I just like to know how they’re getting on, what became of them and are they happy? It genuinely makes me a little sad that there are women I’ve shared moments with and I don’t even know if they’re alive anymore. Maybe that sounds a little melodramatic — but remember that for a time, no matter how short or long that time may have been, that person was something to you. Something intimate. Even if the encounter itself wasn’t.
You know what I mean. We’ve all been there.
Which brings me on to my next point: Faking it. Why bother? Seriously, why bother? No good ever came from faking it and I’ve never understood why people do it. First of all, let me say that if I found out that a girl had faked it with me (I’m sure it’s probably happened at some point, I’m not that naive) I’d be more bothered by the fact they faked it, than if they’d just said “this isn’t going to happen”. Genuinely.
If you think you’re sparing our feelings by faking it, don’t. Sure, if you were brutally honest and told it to us straight, it’d probably dent our male ego and damage our pride a little. I would no doubt be a bit frustrated too (although not as much as you — clearly!) but at least I’d be aware. Otherwise I’m living a lie where I think I’m keeping women satisfied and doing a grand job in the sack — when in reality I could well be leaving the job half done.
So let’s all do each other a favour and keep it real. If it’s not working — tell us. After all, isn’t that all part of the fun? Figuring out what does work? And if for some reason it’s just not happening, tell them. That way you can avoid the same thing happening again and maybe next time you’ll be able to try and figure out why it isn’t happening.
You’re never going to that big finale or get the elusive orgasm if you don’t bring them in on it. Help them to help you. After all, teamwork makes the dream work (and all of those other clichés).
Whilst you keep faking it, thinking it all makes for a quiet life, it’s actually just making things worse. They won’t know any different, so they’ll stop making an effort or trying any harder because they don’t think they need to. You’ll eventually both just get bored and frustrated — and we all know where that’s likely to end up.
So just be honest.
Otherwise it’s like a professional wrestling match: there’s only ever one winner and they’re always going to be wondering if they only won, because the match was fixed in their favour.
So, let’s summarise:
Don’t overthink it.
Don’t over do it.
Don’t over complicate it.
Don’t fake it.
Don’t take it for granted.
…and in order to enjoy it, don’t worry about any of the above.
All clear, right?
